Rules Of Iowa
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-29 & I-35 go north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat Iowa pork chops & corn on the cob. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!!
12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and high school basketball is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Iowa State University, University ofIowa, or University of Northern Iowa. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so 'Don't Mess with Iowa'. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Drawing Boards
ya know the phrase when people have messed up an invention, "i guess it's back to the drawing board". well, what did they do BEFORE drawing boards were invented?? what were drawing boards invented on??
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Church Cats
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, 'Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens.'
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: 'They should have thought of that before they joined my church.'
You Know You're Living In 2008....
You Know You're Living In 2008 When....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60 OR 80!) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60 OR 80!) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
The Lists
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.
That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in the war and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her."Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded, "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon.
Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it. "All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.
That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.
No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.
That group of students moved on.
Several years later, one of the students was killed in the war and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her."Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded, "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon.
Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher. "We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.
"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it. "All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."
That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.
You're From Iowa If....
You're from Iowa if....
- you've never met any celebrities.... and you don't really care
- your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway
- "vacation" means, driving through the Amanas or going to Adventure Land
- you've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular
- you measure distance in minutes
- down south to you means Missouri
- you know several people who have hit a deer
- you have no problem spelling or pronouncing Des Moines
- you know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?" (no, this is Iowa)
- your school classes were canceled because of cold
- your school classes were canceled because of heat
- you've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
- you think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better"
- you know that stores don't have bags, they have sacks
- all the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable or animal
- you can locate Iowa on the US map
- you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
- when asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say it was "different"
- you consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor
- people from other states love to hear you say Iowa and other words with "O's" in them
- you carry jumper cables in your car
- you drink "pop"
- you know what "cow chips" are
- you actually understand all these
- you've never met any celebrities.... and you don't really care
- your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway
- "vacation" means, driving through the Amanas or going to Adventure Land
- you've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular
- you measure distance in minutes
- down south to you means Missouri
- you know several people who have hit a deer
- you have no problem spelling or pronouncing Des Moines
- you know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?" (no, this is Iowa)
- your school classes were canceled because of cold
- your school classes were canceled because of heat
- you've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
- you think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better"
- you know that stores don't have bags, they have sacks
- all the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable or animal
- you can locate Iowa on the US map
- you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
- when asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say it was "different"
- you consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor
- people from other states love to hear you say Iowa and other words with "O's" in them
- you carry jumper cables in your car
- you drink "pop"
- you know what "cow chips" are
- you actually understand all these
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